


The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the Normandy

by TheRedshirtWhoLived



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Lists, Rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-10-25 14:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10766121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRedshirtWhoLived/pseuds/TheRedshirtWhoLived
Summary: A list of all the rules they DON'T tell you when you get assigned to the Normandy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first attempt at this kind of fic. Please let me know if you enjoy it and suggest rules in the comments!

1\. Yes, Joker, you may be proud of taking down Sovereign. No, Joker, you may NOT paint a stencil of Sovereign anywhere to commemorate the kill!

a. If such a stencil appears, it will be SMALL and ON YOUR CONSOLE. NOT 10 meters high and on the outer hull where the Council, Admiral Hackett, and Ambassador Udina can see it during the annual fleet review!

2\. Thane Krios does have a completely eidetic memory and is capable of reliving said memories at will. This does NOT mean you can pull him out of whatever he’s doing to resolve an argument over who ate the last slice of pizza.

3\. EDI is not HAL.

4\. EDI is not the Computer.

5\. EDI is not Data.

6\. Yes, we all made the Matrix jokes after Commander Shepard went into the geth consensus. They’re really not funny anymore. Please stop.

7\. WHO SHOWED THE GETH HOW TO DO THE ROBOT?!?

8\. Yes, Mordin loves singing “I Am The Very Model Of A Scientist Salarian.” This does not, however, mean that the rest of us love hearing it at 0300 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

9\. As a general rule, if Wrex, Grunt, Zaeed, or some combination thereof think something not related to a mission is a good idea or sounds like fun, it is NOT! As in, DON’T DO IT, YOU GUYS!

10\. Don’t ask Jack where she got her tattoos unless you’re Shepard. Otherwise, Jack will tell you. In great detail. We’re not entirely sure she’s not bullshitting us. Quite frankly, we’re too terrified to find out.

11\. Stop bringing Garrus doughnuts. Where the hell did you get all those ingredients in dextro anyway?

12\. No fuzzy dice in the MAKO.

13\. No fuzzy dice in the Hammerhead either.

14\. Who the fuck introduced the krogan to Chuck Norris jokes?

15\. Going with Commander Shepard on missions does not automatically qualify you for a Darwin Award honorable mention. So stop trying to submit our names to the Darwin Awards people!

16\. Samara is not a Jedi. She may have the strict moral code and her biotics may be like the   
Force. She is not a Jedi.

17\. Generally, it’s a spectacularly bad idea to drink ryncol. Dr. Chakwas has said that she’s not going to give hangover medicine to “the next idiot who walks into her medbay hungover on something they shouldn’t be drinking anyway.”

18\. Yes, we did steal the Normandy once. Please take the pirate flag off the hull.

19\. Don’t give ratings on explosions. It is highly frowned upon.

20\. Don’t insult the Normandy in Joker’s presence.

a. Or Tali’s.

b. Or Donnelly’s.

c. Or Daniels’.

d. Or Shepard’s. 

e. Especially not Shepard’s.

f. Just don’t insult the Normandy, period, okay?  
21\. Don’t stand in front of the galaxy map and yell “I’m king of the world!”

22\. Specialist Traynor, please don’t set specialized ringtones for people who call the ship   
often. 

23\. No whoopee cushions. Although, we would LOVE to know how you got one on Joker’s chair seeing as how he’s always sitting in it.

24\. If you don’t know what it is or what it does, DON’T TOUCH IT! Yes, Commander, that includes you.

25\. Don’t use the lab equipment to cook your own food. I don’t care if “Mordin said it would work.”

26\. Don’t use the labs to play “mad scientist.” 

27\. Actually… unless you’re a scientist or actually have a reason to be in the labs, just stay out of the labs, okay?

28\. “Talk Like A Pirate Day” is not a real holiday.

a. Okay, we had Specialist Traynor and Dr. T’Soni do some checking and apparently it’s an actual Earth holiday. Celebrating said holiday is allowed. WITHIN LIMITS. That means: no celebrating it in front of batarians.

b. No celebrating it on Omega.

c. No celebrating it in front of admirals.

29\. Don’t post flyers around the ship announcing when it is someone’s birthday.

30\. Enough with the elevator muzak, okay?

31\. Stop trying to trick out the MAKO. Yes, we know it needs better suspension (better everything, really), but it’s still Alliance property and you could be court-martialed.

32\. Keeping secrets around here… pretty much not happening. Between Traynor and EDI, someone’s going to find out inside a week.

33\. No trick-or-treating or caroling around the ship.

34\. When negotiating with krogan, batarians, geth, or anyone, really, don’t mutter insults under your breath. They might hear you.

35\. Taking shortcuts through the Terminus Systems is a really, really, really bad idea and not recommended. 

36\. When Reapers appear, please, for the love of God, do not play the Imperial March over the intercom!

37\. After an intense showdown involving the Normandy and/or any of her crew and those who wish to do them harm, don’t say “That was awesome!”  
a. Don’t say “let’s do that again” either.

38\. Drag racing in the MAKO is no longer permitted.

39\. We are NOT going to Noveria just because you want to have a snowball fight!

40\. Stop adjusting the climate controls in public places to match your homeworld’s weather! Dr. Chakwas had to treat eight cases of heatstroke after Wrex and Grunt turned the heat in the cargo bay up to Tuchanka standards.

41\. Do not restock the weapons locker with Bang! guns. 

42\. Stop trying to get pizza delivered to the Normandy when we’re not docked at the Citadel or Earth or somewhere like that. It’s usually impossible and it drives the pizza delivery people crazy.

43\. Don’t throw rocks. They might explode.


	2. Chapter 2

1\. Screaming "Okay, let's do this, LEEROOOYY, JEEEENKIINNNNNSSS!" while entering any kind of fight or battle is not appropriate. Especially if it's a surprise attack. Nobody on this ship is named Leroy Jenkins.  
2\. Why are you chasing each other around the ship brandishing antique toilet plungers and yelling “Exterminate!”?  
3\. Don’t bother Garrus just because someone’s stealing your food. Take it to Specialist Traynor or resolve the issue yourself.  
4\. Do we want to know how you got footprints on the ceiling?  
5\. When someone says “Let’s get down to business,” don’t add “to defeat the Huns.”  
6\. The Protheans invented a lot of things. Stargates are not one of them. So stop pestering Javik before he kicks your ass with some weird Prothean mojo.  
7\. Junior officer’s quarters are not appropriate places to house your pet pyjak.  
a. Neither are senior officers’ quarters.  
b. Just keep the damn thing in your own quarters, okay?  
8\. The Normandy does not make the Kessel run in 12 parsecs. A parsec is a unit of distance, anyway!  
9\. EDI is not JARVIS.  
10\. The Normandy is not the Enterprise.  
a. The Normandy is not Pillar of Autumn.  
b. The Normandy is not In Amber Clad.  
c. The Normandy is not Prometheus.  
d. The Normandy is not Serenity.  
11\. Quit telling Donnelly to fry something.  
12\. Quit playing “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” over the intercom whenever the Reapers attack.  
13\. Beans are not evil. Even if Donnelly is cooking them.  
14\. Who showed Wrex and Grunt Alien?  
15\. No. More. Ship. Wars.  
16\. Shepard says she doesn’t want to hear any more questions about where Todd the Wraith is.  
17\. Stop painting racing stripes on the Normandy.  
18\. We’re not turning the ship around because you forgot your dry-cleaning.  
19\. Don’t paint the MAKO orange with the number 01 on the sides and a Confederate battle flag on the top and call it the General Lee.  
20\. Don’t even THINK about TP-ing the ship.  
21\. Stop playing “I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” whenever we run into Cerberus. Shepard’s getting that funny twitch in her eye again…  
22\. Guys, when you’re trying to make Liara or Wrex a birthday cake in the future, just use number candles, okay? The amount of birthday candles required to represent a krogan or asari’s age in Earth years usually tends to set off the fire suppressant systems.  
23\. EDI, stop promising cake after the next test.  
24\. NO MEMES!  
25\. No roaming the halls made up like a husk at night. Are you TRYING to get shot at?  
26\. Quit trying to page Comm Tech Bueller. His name’s Tim, not Ferris.  
27\. Don’t yell “Have fun storming the castle!” whenever Shepard goes on missions.  
a. Even if she does sometimes have to storm castle-like structures.  
28\. Nobody is allowed to introduce the geth to Transformers.  
29\. No commandeering parade floats.  
a. But I saw Commander Shepard do it in a video once…  
30\. If someone says Commander Shepard did something on a mission once, DON’T TRY IT! You will probably get yourself killed.  
31\. After our most recent mission, Garrus would like to remind Commander Shepard that most people’s definitions of “made it” does not include stripping the MAKO’s paint job and crushing several components in the process of “making it.”  
32\. Stop calling Donnelly “Brigadier.” Daniels says his ego’s big enough as it is.  
33\. Who the hell showed Tali MacGyver? Seriously, the quarians think he’s some kind of god of engineering or something.  
34\. Whoever introduced the krogan to “Game of Thrones” gets to explain why they’ve taken up “Fire and Blood” as a war cry to the Council.  
35\. Writing various stories about Shepard and her team in assorted relationships is… decidedly unwise. They’ve got a freaking AI, people. Did you really think those stories were going to stay hidden?  
36\. Stop saying “Wow, it’s bigger on the inside!” when you board the ship. She’s really quite cramped.  
37\. Don’t try to convince Joker to do a Crazy Ivan. Chances are, he’ll actually do it.  
a. Okay, Shepard’s allowed to ask him to do it when the ship’s in combat. The rest of us still aren’t, though.  
38\. Stop calling Petty Officer Steve Rogers “The Star-Spangled Man With A Plan.”  
39\. Asking EDI to calculate the final digit of e or pi will not cause her to overload. Sorry, Javik.  
40\. Even if the Illusive Man sounds like that character in the 21st century political drama, don’t call him Mr. President. You’re going to give him ideas.  
41\. Garrus would like to remind Commander Shepard that while the MAKO may be an all-terrain vehicle, that means one type of terrain at a time, not all of them at once.


	3. Chapter 3

1\. Quit calling Garrus a space chicken. There aren’t chickens on Palaven, he really won’t get the reference.  
2\. Stop calling thresher maws sandworms. We’ve already lost a survey team looking for spice, whatever that is.  
3\. Stop getting out of the Mako because you wanted to take a photo for your sibling. We call those planets hazardous for a very good reason.  
4\. Stop playing Don’t Fear the Reaper whenever Shepard walks in. It was funny once, we have video, DON’T DO IT AGAIN!  
5\. Quit saying “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” You’re really just tempting fate. (credit to Starryskyondragonsback)  
6\. Always remember Murphy’s Law.  
7\. Whoever managed to bedazzle Shepard’s armor, we salute you. You still might wanna run, though.  
8\. No reprogramming EDI to sound like Schwarzenegger.  
9\. Don’t hack EDI to sound like WALL-E or EVE either.  
10\. Admiral Hackett would like to request that we not fill out mission reports in haiku, limericks, comic strips, or anything other than Alliance-approved prose.  
11\. The ground team would like to remind Shepard that it’s a speed limit, not a speed challenge.   
12\. No more Disney marathons. None of us needed to hear a krogan trying to sing “Let it Go.”  
13\. The observation rooms are not to be used for impromptu jam sessions.  
14\. Whoever started the contest to find the craziest quarian ship name had better run before Tali does something unfortunate to their equipment.  
15\. Whoever gave Tali the crazy straw, thank you. It’s adorable.  
16\. Please don’t “keep score” for how many hostiles you can run over with the MAKO. Garrus is really getting tired of picking geth parts out of the undercarriage.  
17\. Quit humming the Indiana Jones theme when Liara walks in. She’s seen those movies and finds them insulting to her profession.  
18\. These Rules are not a bucket list.  
19\. No contests to see how many rules you can inspire.  
20\. If you triple dog dare someone, you are responsible for the consequences.  
21\. “Bite me” is not an invitation.   
22\. No more food fights.  
23\. The Great British Bake-Off is now officially banned after an incident involving a mixup with dextro and levo flour, honey mead, a Shepard VI, and Shepard’s space hamster.  
24\. Prank wars should NOT result in property damage.  
25\. If Tali’s been holed up in Engineering for over 48 hours at a stretch, get her out. Please refer to the incident with Chatika and the googly eyes for an example of what could happen.  
26\. Walking away from an explosion without looking might seem cool, but it’s considerably less cool to end up in the medbay because you didn’t see shrapnel flying at you.  
27\. No replacing weapons with paintball or Nerf lookalikes.  
28\. Please, don’t upgrade your stuff without supervision.  
29\. No more Cards Against Humanity. Please.   
30\. No. More. Nyan. Cat.  
31\. If you want to play Eye of the Tiger at the gym, then you have to fix all the damage caused when people get overenthusiastic in their workouts.  
32\. No drawing funny faces on Tali’s mask when she’s asleep.  
33\. Joker, please take the plastic toy dinosaurs off the dashboard.  
34\. Range time is a requirement. However, we’d like to ask Shepard and Garrus not to turn that into a contest to see who can make the craziest trick shot. You’re making the rest of us feel like amateurs.  
35\. Donnelly is not Scotty. However, he will treat being called that as a compliment.  
36\. No surprise paintball wars. I don’t care if the participants include two Spectres, a Justicar, a krogan warlord, a quarian admiral, and the Shadow Broker. You’re all cleaning it up.  
37\. There is not an “achievement list” for crazy stunts.  
38\. Quit playing ping-pong in the FTL comm room.  
39\. Kasumi, please stop going invisible and sneaking up behind people while they’re watching horror movies.  
40\. No more Risk. Ever. You people are seriously overcompetitive.


	4. Chapter 4

1\. If the thought of doing something makes you laugh for 15 seconds or more, don’t do it!  
2\. Don’t take Miranda and Jack on a ground mission at the same time.  
a. If you do, DON’T let them show off. What happened last time is the reason we’re currently broke and banned from that one bar on Omega.  
3\. Don’t try to smuggle wildlife back from ground missions. We don’t care how cute it is.  
4\. Neon and pastels are not appropriate colors for armor accents.  
5\. Painting the MAKO red’s not going to make it go any faster.  
6\. Duct tape will not solve all our problems, despite what the engineers might say.  
7\. No racing anything through the halls.  
8\. Don’t introduce yourself as James Bond. There isn’t actually anyone by that name on the ship…   
9\. Stop asking Lieutenant Jason C. Bourne whether he remembers Treadstone. (Credit to my Dad)  
10\. We do not charge into battle naked like the ancient krogan. Wrex, Grunt, you two are on KP duty for a MONTH for trying to convince us that that is a thing.  
11\. Promotions are not earned through first blood, first to tap out, beating a superior in a duel, or last to get caught by Shepard.  
12\. They’re not won by drinking contests, arm wrestling matches, or rock paper scissors either.  
13\. NO BEE GRENADES.  
14\. Mordin, the phrase “Trust me, I’m a doctor” never ends well.  
15\. You may not skip your shift just because your soaps are on.  
16\. If your personal firepower exceeds that of the Destiny Ascension, please speak to the quartermaster.   
17\. Don’t wear novelty and holiday-themed attire with your armor.  
18\. Shepard, you were NOT issued that flamethrower for your own personal amusement.  
19\. No keg parties. This rule exists for a reason people!  
a. Getting around this rule by inviting Shepard and Anderson will not work.  
20\. No declaring war against paperwork. The brass was not amused.  
21\. You can’t get out of paperwork by saying it’s against your religion, either.  
22\. Just because something’s legal doesn’t mean we should do it.  
23\. Shepard, Admiral Hackett would like to request that you stop using “My evil Cerberus clone did it” as an excuse.  
24\. You will not shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they’re not zombies.  
25\. Plan B is not “twice as much explosive as plan A.”  
26\. “I was bored” is not an excuse.  
a. Neither is “They SAID they needed a distraction…”  
b. “It was just a little one” won’t work either.  
27\. Mordin, please cease and desist with the manufacture of black-market cyberweapons for space hamsters and pet pyjaks.  
28\. Next time we have to go find a krogan, please remember that the phrase “bring him back alive” does include redundant organs.  
29\. No, you may not requisition 10,000 marbles. What’s a marble?  
30\. You cannot have weapons proficiency in cat, midget, or frying pan.  
31\. Mordin, production of nerve gas is ONLY to occur within the labs, not in Gardner’s kitchen sink!  
32\. There is no mission that requires recreating the Death Star Trench Run.  
a. Yet.  
b. SHUT UP!  
c. Hey, this is the Normandy. Crazier things have happened…  
33\. Crewmembers are to remember that they are Trained For This and Synchronized Panic is an inappropriate plan.  
34\. “Investigate the Cerberus base” means we actually have to go in and look around, not simply bomb the place from orbit.  
35\. Please stop calling the armory “Blood Bath and Beyond.”  
36\. There is to be NO berserking “for the hell of it” at Council meetings.  
37\. The branch you picked up on the last mission is not your Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. It will not go on future missions with you.  
38\. You have to cook for yourselves in the field. However, the Iron Stomach Improvized Cooking Contest is hereby canceled. Please return all betting money.  
39\. If the thought of it requires crewmembers to take psychological evaluation and leave, DON’T DO IT!  
40\. Whoever replaced the coffee with decaf… run.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Unofficial Commandments of the Aedra...and the Daedra](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14304033) by [Siha_Shepard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siha_Shepard/pseuds/Siha_Shepard)




End file.
